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How To Keep Customers From Using Your Website
Music is the best way. Imagine you are in a quiet office nothing but soft click of typewriters and distant phone calls. The boss walks in to your cubicle and reminds you about the widgets he asked for last week. Quickly you go to the widget website to get them. Suddenly as he is standing there the widget music breaks in loudly proclaiming its presence like a thunderclap. Quick, close that damn thing and go to a different but quiet widget web site for product information.
Use A Splash Page
A splash page is a page that often says click here to continue to web site. This is a great way to keep people away from your website. Put up a roadblock to keep people from getting to your web site. Make sure you say "click here" in several locations on your website. If you want your splash page to work really good hide the link to your web site with some fancy picture instead of text link. A really good navigation system is one which just a bunch of pictures with no words, anyone can see what that is supposed to be. In fact never use text links they make your web site far too easy to use. Splash pages are like the salesman who say "you didn’t want this anyway did you?"
Use The Big Picture
Use as many pictures as you can and make them as big as possible. Never optimize these pictures either or they will load 100 times faster. Use the standard method not the progressive method. This way your pictures look a window shade on the users computer slowly creeping downward from the top down like molasses in January.
Hide The Purpose Of This Website
Whatever you do don’t use a slogan right under the web site name in the heading. Of course you shouldn’t provide a mission statement or about us page either. Make sure not to mention your products or services on the front page unless they are “below the fold”. The fold is the area below the computer screen. This is an old newspaper term, which has carried over. Anybody remember newspapers?
Low Contrast Text
Here is another cool idea; make the color of the text almost the same as the background of the page so there is almost no contrast. This makes it fun to read. Especially if you have over 50 eyes like I do (I also have over 60 eyes). While you are at it why not just use black background with green or red text. A black background is an excellent way to keep customers from reading your product information. Also be sure to use a serif font like “Times” they are much harder to read on computer screens. Serifs are the little tails on the letters. If you use a sans-serif font like “Arial” they might actually be able to read all of your product information. Heck why not pick the most offbeat font you can find and make it as small as possible. It goes with out saying that you should use points to specify font size instead of percents that way reader can not change the text size in the browser to make it more readable. Points were good enough for newspapers they should be good enough for web sites.
Be sure to fill your page up with moving things. Show off all of your computer talent for making animated gifs. The more distracting these are the less chance there is of someone actually reading your web page. The top of your page is a great place to put a scrolling marquee. On all of your links make sure the "on hover" text size is different than the a link text size, this is to make the page jump all around every time someone mouses over "a link". This is a really great effect to show off your web master skills, which are far more important than people actually being able to view this page. While you are busy impressing everyone with your webmaster skills be sure to change the cursor to something besides a hand or an arrow. Always keep people off balance by making everything on your page different than everything they have struggled to learn in the past. Underline several things on the page but never underline links. This makes a great deal of fun for folks that don’t spend all day long at the keyboard.
What Rules? We Don’t Need No Stinkin Rules